The Love Languages

It seems that all our blogging efforts even if they are meant to be sort of a life chronicle, they are relationship centered. and sometimes when I think of what my writing contributions should be I focus on relationships. Granted I focus on male-female relationships and the eros.  I am interested in how to be in great male-female relationships because it seems to be the one I'm most clueless about. Eros aside, great relationship formulas are the same. As anyone will say they have problems with their same sex friends but are just able to deal with it easier or let go of it more.

I inadvertently also read self help books that are relationship centered. I read "The five love languages for singles" about a year ago and it seemed academic. I was coming out of a relationship and there was no one to practice my new knowledge on. About a week ago, I was watching Oprah's Life class (insert judgement goggles) and there goes Dr. Gary Chapman the author of ".The 5 Love Languages   and I start getting many "Ah Ah!!!" moments. 

The concept of the love language is that there are ways that we interact with people that increase our fulfillment when we are with people we are in relationship with. We all have a language or a couple that we speak and understand.

The 5 love Languages 

1. Words of Affirmation e.g telling your partner: you are beautiful, you are brilliant
2. Gifts. any gift, the grander the better 
3. Acts of Service. taking out the trash, opening doors....
4. Quality Time.  ME ME ME ME . Spending time with each other. 
5. Physical Touch. ME ME ME ME. This is the non sexual touch. massages, backrubs, holding hands.  

I think my primary love language is quality time, my idea of a good time is being with loved ones and doing anything from sitting quietly to adventures. love a good food date, having drinks and talking. So I say "Time is money, spend it on me." Not so much gifts, I am a bad gift receiver. I am usually ungrateful.

I know Ese's primary love language is Gifts (why does it have to hurt the bank). To be an effective friend, I know that giving her gifts would make her think more highly of me.

knowing what my love language is helps me know exactly what i need out of my relationships and improve those relationships 

Find your love language. 

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/The-5-Love-Languages-Love-Language-Profile-for-Singles

Future

When you meet a guy there should be a a little bubble on his head with what your future would be like with him.

Like a drug with side effects listed. #thatisall

Shola

Study Break/ My friends are married musings

I feel guilty when I'm not studying that's why it has been really difficult to blog lately... or for the past year. oops

We left the island, our old stomping grounds single and now we are back in the land of the free. Land of opportunities. Limitless opportunities including Opportunity to be married, to be in a relationship right? Wrong. Still single, still waiting to be found. The bad part about being found is 96% of my day is spent indoors. (We are in intense study Mode). I go to gym three times a week , come back home and stay put! I study at Starbucks once a week. So my opportunities to meet guys are limited to gym buffs and coffee lovers. not bad pickings. but nothing is happening. *sad face*

Man! this age is just terrible. Two of my friends from secondary school got married yesterday in Port Harcourt and another one next week. That's how bad the marriage wave is that my friends had to split their time between two weddings. The pressure just keeps slapping your face, especially with Facebook, Instagram, twitter and the blogging age.

I turn 26 on wednesday, and honestly i'm okay with where I am. (not married) . But i'll be lying if I didn't wish I was the one with the engagement photo sneak peaks and have people jealous of me and hating on my corny photos running around trees and reading books upside down. Can you tell how pained I am ... lol! Just kidding. The thing about social media is you find yourself being jealous about people you don't even know. When my friends tell me I am truly genuinely happy for them. From the one's that dated for 13 years to the one's that got married within a year. The positive thing in all this is i'm still scared of having babies so I really I'm okay on this side of the fence.

My sister got married at 31 and that's like super old by Nigerian standards. Every prayer request was directed at her "plight." And her "wait" was well worth it. Her husband is an amazing man and matches her in many important ways that it gives me hope to just keep being myself and living my life and I know everything will fall in place.

So yea just wanted to share that the struggle is real and it is live. It definitely makes dating complicated but that's for another day.

Check this out
http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com

Shola

I don't Like Her Boyfriend

Can't we all just get along.

For the most part, I think I am an easy going person. I love a handful, I hate a few people. And for the rest, I am indifferent. I may be easy going, but I am passionate.

When I first met my sister's boyfriend, I was indifferent. I thought to myself, I can't form an opinion of this guy because he hasn't done anything right or wrong. It did not help that he is not a charmer so I had a "bleh" opinion of him.

Over time, I have formed an opinion and I know I don't like him. My sister has been acting brand new since she's been with the dude. It is not that he is not a good guy. He definitely lacks all the social norms expected of a mature Nigerian man. I can't really go into the details of that. But this situation has been bothering me a lot.

I know how it is to want the approval of your friends and family for your relationship. And, the more I think about it, the more I don't want to give my approval. It has definitely changed my relationship with my sister because personally this "situation" is all i want to talk about but I know I cannot beat the issue to death. At some point I have to put up my hands.

If it was my friends boyfriend, it would be easier because I'll just have to listen to her and not say anything back. when I don't like my friends boyfriends, I psyche myself to be positive because i know how much it means to them and at the end of the day she gon' do what she want.

But this is my little sister, i feel like i need to protect... but i know she gon' do what she want.

Leaving it for God, since I can't do anything.

The BackUp Plan

One of those nights.

A friend and I had discussed this topic a while back and where else can I reiterate it but on a blog? 

I know I'm ODing on posting right now but its 3:30am, I'm watching movies with shows lined up and nothing else to do.  Don't judge me. 

So the backup plan is a guy/girl that you know is just there waiting for you whenever you are done "sowing your seeds" in the world. I'm a girl so I'll just talk about it from my perspective. 

Basically, my friend asked me if I had a backup guy and I thought about it.  I don't think many of us consciously label someone as back up in our heads.   However, if there is that one person that loves you no matter what you say you've done and you've joked about getting married if both of you are single at 35...40? Then you have a backup plan.  

Do people end up with their back up plans? I don't know.  A lot of variables would play in. Is the person just there pining away for you or did they move on? They might want you but settle for number 2.  When you become available, they might decide to stay with number 2. Priorities shift or change.


However I don't think the idea of a backup plan is a bad idea.  Obviously no one wants to imagine that you're keeping them on ice while you do what you want.  Furthermore some people define the backups differently. For me, a backup would be someone I don't want but I'd take if I was desperate. Terrible but no one wants to be alone in the end. I guess this is me praying I don't end up with my back up due to desperation. I don't know if many people really have backups though unless it always backfires. There are many single women at 35. There are also many single men at 35 chasing young women. No way they would have been waiting for the young girl since she was 10 or so. 


However, there are some backups who you really want but you know you're not ready for. So you go around "improving" yourself - could be through ashawo deeds or education...whatever you deem fit.  Then, when you're done, you come back to see if you'd be accepted or rejected. Or wait? Was that you being the back up?

See. Too much. Good luck to all the backed-ups, back-upees, back-uppers....


The things that keep me up at night.  Literally.  

Back to my movie.....twitter...instagram...the stuff folks use to foster adhd.....

Leeza

Women and Mileage.

My roomate and I wanted to do a movie night. It fell on me to pick a movie so I selected "The thing", 2011 version. Then I remembered that Shola didn't like sci-fi stuff so I went and did more searching. I found "What's your number?". Anna Faris' voice can be annoying but I enjoyed the movie. I believe it spoke to me if you will. *spoiler alert* In the movie, she made a list of all the men she'd slept with and tried to find one that could be her future husband simply because she didn't want extra mileage.  I remember when I did that.  Like it did for her, it backfired for me too.  Unfortunately, I can't boldly run around like she did proclaiming to my current lover that we are getting married. I mean, I could but I'd have to find the lover first. 

*sigh*

On a more serious note, I have 2 very close people to my heart who have recently suffered serious heartbreaks from the "not wanting to increase mileage" syndrome.  I'm not advocating sleeping around but sticking to a guy because his is the only penis you are familiar with is..._____. You get the point. On that note, weigh the pros and cons.

As I was saying, yeah, the movie made me laugh. 

It also brought up a topic I'd wanted to write on earlier. See the "the BackUp Plan".  

On an unrelated note, I also saw The Thing 1982 and 2011.  I saw 2011 first and it was supposedly a prequel to the 1982 version.  However 30 years is a long time  the graphics are so different.  The technology they had in the "prequel" was definitely superior to the "postquel" but that was part of the entertainment for me.  I'm no movie reviewer...just a med student who is afraid to sleep lest she have to admit that the vacation just got 1 day shorter.   

On to the next blog post. 

XOXO
Leeza. 

My blackberry status...

...currently says "Shout out to unwanted visitors extending their stay. WTF. I need my space" and an angry red face ... yada yada. 
Yes, I know this is an incredibly rude way to ask someone to leave, but hey, the object of my "feelings" happened to have deactivated his bbm so its his fault.

Now here's a little background story, I used to like this guy, let's call him Akpan. I thought Akpan was funny et al. Gradually, I began to see that Akpan was conceited and liked himself too much. Case in point, Akpan claimed to be single because no woman was worth the effort. Don't get me wrong, it was said in much nicer words than that... but to a woman who had a crush and was doing all the right things to get noticed, that was my interpretation of what Akpan said. That and a few things he might have said to me directly to hurt my feelings. Anyway, so I buried the feelings.... gradually they died, I moved on. Then Akpan would call or text to hang out and things like that and I mean, we are all friends right? Right. So I would oblige occasionally, nothing special. Then Akpan would invite me to his house to eat or something, I'm like errrr ..... No. Eventually, I told Akpan expressly that I had liked him at some point but not anymore so he should stop inviting me over for crap especially since Akpan claims to be such a good guy who doesn't like to lead people on. That's what they all say. They are all good guys.

It is funny how when you like someone, things they do are cute. Now, those same things are irritating. First of all, the accent Akpan puts on to talk to people who are not Nigerian...epic fail. Secondly, the way he talks, smiles, breathes....Let me get to the topic of this blog.

So Akpan came to visit ...ostensibly to search for an apartment. He said he would spend the night and I thought, oh ok. A man can spend the night, no problem. Akpan gets into town, doesn't call me after I had been expecting the call. Finally I call and Akpan says sorry he didn't want to bother me yada yada. Fine. Then Akpan comes over with a peace offering - way to my heart - offered to cook. So we hang out (inside the house), all is well and good. Then gradually, my meter begins to expire. First, Akpan ate and spilled food on my bed. That's ok. I spill food on my bed. Then next, I don't know what digestion problem he had but he kept farting. It wasnt an excuse me I am going to the bathroom to fart type of fart, it was the oops I just did it... hold your breath type. It was also loud. Don't get me wrong, the food he made for me was nice but mehn.... it didn't make up i'm sorry.

Then it's time to sleep, I'm lying down je je in bed o, and Akpan wants to cuddle. Mind you, I am PMSing or whatever, I am irritated at this point and he thinks it is funny. I said Leave me alone.. he did. I slept. I woke up to him trying again. OMG. I lost it internally. I got up and carried my book and came to study in the living room. While i'm there, he wakes up, goes to brush his teeth.. but comes out with the toothbrush. I HATE THAT. OH I HATE IT. Brush your teeth in the bathroom and stay there. When you come out, make sure you are done. If i like a guy, I can overlook it. IF I DON'T LIKE YOU...


Moving on.

So he goes to get food in the kitchen. He puts his toothbrush on a plate. ON A PLATE. He puts his food in the microwave, helps me kill a gecko. Then his food is done, he takes it and goes back to MY ROOM. I'm thinking, spill food on my bed again and die. Anyhow, he eats at the table, then sits there to study for a bit. When he is done, he decides to tell me he is going to use the toilet in my roommate's room. He goes there for a few minutes... ok more like half an hour. Then he comes out and tell me, that was very refreshing. Nigga, who the fuck asked you how you felt after you shat? Like.. I wish I took a picture of my face at that very second. Then he goes into my room, back to the desk to keep farting and studying.

While he is in the room, he would make a phone call, then apologize for disturbing me. Bro, your very existence is disturbing me. The best apology would be if you vaporize. *phew*

Biko, how do I politely kick someone out? Its Sunday. The buses don't run but I'd gladly pay for a private driver at this point. I just want my space. I am hot, I want to shower and walk around naked.......and OMFG I just heard another fart in my room. If I am on the news, it would be because I killed someone. God forgive me for my thoughts right this minute.

He just said he's going for a run ... he's not wearing a shirt. I said, shirtless? He said oh.. right. He doesn't want women to swoon so he grabs a shirt  Ordinarily, I would laugh... but not today mehn... not today. -_-

Frustrated, Irritated, Hungry and Angry Black Woman


Leeza.


PS: This is an old post but out of guilt, I took it down. I'm hoping the time has passed and it would be funny to even Akpan now. Hopefully. 

Barbados, iPad, 1 line on the Olympics....and no other stories.

Wow o ti pe sha. We have been bad about updating this blog.  So many things have happened in so little time. 


Leggo.  

Last semester, a bunch of friends decided to take a break from school. We gathered 10 people and traveled to Barbados.  10 girls in barbados - fun galore.  I was impressed that we were able to maintain peace given how many we were. We were not even all very close which was even more amazing. Many other groups have tried to go on trips from our school but have failed at getting together such a large group.  Then again, maybe they did not want a big group. 

Awkward angle of my half eaten food.

So barbados. When we got there, our lady cab driver said the men are gay or bi-sexual. It became a game to guess who was gay or bi-sexual.  Straight was rarely a contender. 
First thing we did after dropping off our bags was go wait in line for hours for life changing fish.  Ooh-la-la. I try not so hard to lose weight but then I encounter food like this and I feel the need to eat till my bank account yells stop. By then, I'm usually done listening to my stomach's cries for help as it distends. :(

Back to barbados. 

Vacations are cool but you never get enough sleep.  To make 10 people happy, everyone's basic reason for coming to barbados had to be met. We went to the mall, we went to some historic sites, we went on a boat cruise, parasailing, chilled at the beach and fancy dinners. All in one weekend. Phew.  
 

The vacationers and the boat captain.

When we got back to school, we were prepared to face the results of the exams we wrote before we left and our study meters were renewed.... Right.

Next item on the agenda: iPad.

I'd write an ode to my iPad but its still kicking after 2 transplants.  I dropped it the first time and nothing happened. I was thanking God and walking to class when I dropped it again. On its face. I cried as I picked it up. Honestly. It was shattered. The screen needed replacement. After weeks spent ordering and shipping parts internationally, it was fixed.  However, it wasn't done properly so it had to be replaced again.  *sigh*  My poor baby.  Yet it kicks on for me. Its a shame that I'm only loyal to it because I don't have the dough to replace it. Talk about device abuse. Moving on...

I know an Olympian.  How great is that? :) 

Oh we are finally done in Dominica unless we choose to return. Someone say Amen. Board exams soon.  Pray for us friends. Thank you. :)


Leeza.

Bye bye 2011?

HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS!!!!!

I'm sure a lot of bloggers are doing some post dedicated to the end of 2011. So I decided to hop the bandwagon. My year was full of tears - of joy and of disappointment. Shola and I started medical school in Dominica, and we are officially 2nd year medical students now. We got in and out of relationships. Exes got engaged or are planning to get engaged. Family and friends got married. Babies were conceived and born.... the usual circle of life stuff.

Yay it is 2012. Although one shouldn't need a new year to start doing new things, most of us like the idea of starting something on an easy to remember calendar date. Anniversaries, resolutions, things like that. So, this year, I am ______________ (Insert resolutions here).

Anyways, holidays have been fun. Busy busy busy but fun. Epic fail on attempting to study. Epic fail on ushering in the new year somewhere other than on my mother's couch. Epic fail on being a couch potato for a whole week. Semi success on seeing friends and family though. For that, I'm grateful.

My newest addictions - simulation games on my ipad. I AM SO HOOKED. It is quite sad actually. On that note, I'm gonna get back to SIMs now. I can't focus on this blog post. I promise to be more inspired next time. :)

XX
Lizlady.

The One who got away

Hello Blogworld,

This is a subject that has been the baseline of many conversations I have had with friends so I figured it deserved a blog post especially since I am sitting in a hotel room in Barbados chilling and listening to the sound of the waves crashing outside my window. Or is it the rain? Oh well. #kanyeshrug.

Back to business.

The one who got away refers to that guy or girl that you wish you could have had but were unable to have. That about sums it up. However, there is more flesh to that skeleton.

Is there such a thing as the one who got away? Yes, I believe there is. There was a guy I met and liked while I had an idiotic boyfriend. In retrospect, I should have dumped the boyfriend and run into the arms of said guy but I was trying to be loyal. Then when I became single, he was trying to be loyal to somebody else. How do you handle such a situation? You don't. If he is somebody else's, let him be with the somebody else. This is not the time to try to steal him away. Instead, admire his loyalty and keep it moving. If he is so willing to dump the new person to be with you, that's flattering but again, it means he might just as easily dump you for his other one who got away. Get the idea? Leave him alone. Unless he gets single all by himself, in which case... pounce on that piece of meat and taste till you are satisfied...or feed forever. As you see fit. :)

I've mentioned somewhere in this blog before that one of my fears is marrying someone who is settling for me. It comes back to this one who got away topic. Imagine a guy realizes he is unable to get the girl he always wanted or loved and then, he decides to marry his number two woman and make a life with her. It would suck to be the number two woman unless he is able to concentrate on the new direction his life has taken and forget all about the woulda been women. In addition to the secretaries in short skirts, ushers at church and strangers on the street, no woman wants to imagine that there is also an old "friend" that her husband would likely leave her for if need be. A guy once told me I was the only one he would cheat on his wife with. In his own twisted way, that was supposed to be a compliment. I did not feel like it was. Then again, I wasn't sure how to feel. Maybe his wife to be should feel lucky if there is only one woman that can supposedly make her husband cheat on her? I don't know.

A few weeks ago, I was at a place where I felt like I genuinely did not have any unturned stones around me so to speak. I had effectively dated all my crushes or killed the crushes I had on people I did not date. In some case, it was easy - maybe he got fat, dropped out of school, got married, told me to eff off... either way, all my woulda beens were erased. That is how I want to feel when I do get married, like there is no one else in the world that would make me or him doubt our vows. Wishful thinking I know, but I am allowed to be optimistic.  

One thing I do know is that the grass always does appear greener on the other side depending on the angle from which you choose to look at it. This does not imply that the grass is never actually greener. Sometimes, it really is. However, the grass on your side would never be green enough if you spend the time focusing on the grass you do not have. In plain english, don't dwell on the ones you wanted but didn't get to have. There are further regrets waiting down the line for you. There are more people you will meet and wish you had met earlier. However, unless you want to bounce from person to person like a yo-yo, then you'd best stick with the one you're attached to and stay there. If it isn't broken, don't go looking for a different model. You might end up with Nokla instead of Nokia. (Inside Joke). :)

Good night from Barbados (in case you missed it when I mentioned it the first time),
Leeza.