...currently says "Shout out to unwanted visitors extending their stay. WTF. I need my space" and an angry red face ... yada yada.
Yes, I know this is an incredibly rude way to ask someone to leave, but hey, the object of my "feelings" happened to have deactivated his bbm so its his fault.
Now here's a little background story, I used to like this guy, let's call him Akpan. I thought Akpan was funny et al. Gradually, I began to see that Akpan was conceited and liked himself too much. Case in point, Akpan claimed to be single because no woman was worth the effort. Don't get me wrong, it was said in much nicer words than that... but to a woman who had a crush and was doing all the right things to get noticed, that was my interpretation of what Akpan said. That and a few things he might have said to me directly to hurt my feelings. Anyway, so I buried the feelings.... gradually they died, I moved on. Then Akpan would call or text to hang out and things like that and I mean, we are all friends right? Right. So I would oblige occasionally, nothing special. Then Akpan would invite me to his house to eat or something, I'm like errrr ..... No. Eventually, I told Akpan expressly that I had liked him at some point but not anymore so he should stop inviting me over for crap especially since Akpan claims to be such a good guy who doesn't like to lead people on. That's what they all say. They are all good guys.
It is funny how when you like someone, things they do are cute. Now, those same things are irritating. First of all, the accent Akpan puts on to talk to people who are not Nigerian...epic fail. Secondly, the way he talks, smiles, breathes....Let me get to the topic of this blog.
So Akpan came to visit ...ostensibly to search for an apartment. He said he would spend the night and I thought, oh ok. A man can spend the night, no problem. Akpan gets into town, doesn't call me after I had been expecting the call. Finally I call and Akpan says sorry he didn't want to bother me yada yada. Fine. Then Akpan comes over with a peace offering - way to my heart - offered to cook. So we hang out (inside the house), all is well and good. Then gradually, my meter begins to expire. First, Akpan ate and spilled food on my bed. That's ok. I spill food on my bed. Then next, I don't know what digestion problem he had but he kept farting. It wasnt an excuse me I am going to the bathroom to fart type of fart, it was the oops I just did it... hold your breath type. It was also loud. Don't get me wrong, the food he made for me was nice but mehn.... it didn't make up i'm sorry.
Then it's time to sleep, I'm lying down je je in bed o, and Akpan wants to cuddle. Mind you, I am PMSing or whatever, I am irritated at this point and he thinks it is funny. I said Leave me alone.. he did. I slept. I woke up to him trying again. OMG. I lost it internally. I got up and carried my book and came to study in the living room. While i'm there, he wakes up, goes to brush his teeth.. but comes out with the toothbrush. I HATE THAT. OH I HATE IT. Brush your teeth in the bathroom and stay there. When you come out, make sure you are done. If i like a guy, I can overlook it. IF I DON'T LIKE YOU...
Moving on.
So he goes to get food in the kitchen. He puts his toothbrush on a plate. ON A PLATE. He puts his food in the microwave, helps me kill a gecko. Then his food is done, he takes it and goes back to MY ROOM. I'm thinking, spill food on my bed again and die. Anyhow, he eats at the table, then sits there to study for a bit. When he is done, he decides to tell me he is going to use the toilet in my roommate's room. He goes there for a few minutes... ok more like half an hour. Then he comes out and tell me, that was very refreshing. Nigga, who the fuck asked you how you felt after you shat? Like.. I wish I took a picture of my face at that very second. Then he goes into my room, back to the desk to keep farting and studying.
While he is in the room, he would make a phone call, then apologize for disturbing me. Bro, your very existence is disturbing me. The best apology would be if you vaporize. *phew*
Biko, how do I politely kick someone out? Its Sunday. The buses don't run but I'd gladly pay for a private driver at this point. I just want my space. I am hot, I want to shower and walk around naked.......and OMFG I just heard another fart in my room. If I am on the news, it would be because I killed someone. God forgive me for my thoughts right this minute.
He just said he's going for a run ... he's not wearing a shirt. I said, shirtless? He said oh.. right. He doesn't want women to swoon so he grabs a shirt Ordinarily, I would laugh... but not today mehn... not today. -_-
Frustrated, Irritated, Hungry and Angry Black Woman
Leeza.
PS: This is an old post but out of guilt, I took it down. I'm hoping the time has passed and it would be funny to even Akpan now. Hopefully.
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