(The picture is that of me and my youngest sibling. He is a darling). I recently returned from a visit to Nigeria. While I was on the plane for the interminable flight, I wrote down things I'd like to blog about on the back of my boarding pass. I would literally close my eyes to sleep, remember something I wished I could tweet, reach for my pen and write it down like a tweet-starved addict. It was painful. I couldn't risk keeping it in my head for fear of forgetting. That said, here is a sketch of my thoughts during my vacation.
First leg of the journey was a 14 hour flight from new york to dubai. That was not so bad. I saw 6 movies back to back and dozed for an hour or two. Next thing I knew, we were in dubai. During the connection, I met a lady with a baby. We bonded. :). While wandering around looking for our terminal, we came to an area where there were people sleeping in lounge chairs. One glance at them told me we had reached the right terminal.
During the 7 hour connection, I wandered around, gisted with my new friend, window shopped, took unnecessary trips to the bathroom and of course, charged my phone. While charging my phone, I met a Mr X. Mr X started out by asking me if I was flying business class or economy. I replied economy and he proceeded to tell me how a pretty girl should not fly economy and quite frankly, I agreed with him. I then asked what class he was flying and it turned out he was flying economy too. I zoned out on his explanation. I did zone back in when he was talking about his custom made toshiba phone while insulting my blackberry. it turns out he also had 2 other cell phones.. or maybe 3? I don't know. I quickly bbmed my friend about him as he was talking and she said only yoruba men behaved like that. I defended yoruba men and said he had to be igbo. She said to ask him if he was igbo. I did. I was wrong. he was yoruba. Smh.
Leg 2 of the journey began. It was an 8 hour flight to Lagos. As per I hadn't flown to Nigeria in 7 years so I knew my itinerary probably up to the minute. I was thus surprised when Mr X argued that Dubai to Lagos was a 6 hour flight. After I proved that it was 8 hours, he proceeded to tell me the last time he flew to Nigeria first class, it took him 6 hours. I guess I didn't realize first class arrived 2 hours prior to economy class. 0_0.
While on the plane, I happened to sit next to Mr X. He moved from his seat to be closer to me - how nice of him. He introduced him self and insisted I called him Mister Hisfirstname. I was shocked. I asked him why and he told me it was a sign of respect given that he was more than 3 years older than me. I told him I had no need to call his name and I was just going to sleep the whole flight. Mr X was not pleased and promised me 50 dollars if I would call him Mr X. So I said fine Mr X. Till today, I haven't seen my 50 dollars. In retrospect, I should have asked to see the cash first.
During the flight, I tried to sleep but Mr X kept waking me up to tell me intimate details about his life. I'll keep the details to myself. If you want to know....take a pill for ameborism :) I did manage to get some sleep. The final straw was when Mr X insisted I opened the window because he wanted to "see the plane's latitude". I still don't know what that means. When I refused to open the window, he told me I wasn't respectful enough to be wife material (wtf) and then said I should open the window. I opened it. I closed it. I went back to sleep. The journey ended.
Now on to disjointed thoughts and tweet worthy sentences.
My suitcase was literally the last to come out of the carousel thingy.
Nigerian women do need to stay away from lace fronts until they can do it right.
A 3 legged bus, I was told, is called a keke na pepe or something like that.
Once again, naija women stay away from the lace fronts.
You can't make up in a car. I tried. I almost lost my eye.
Things I took for granted before I left Nigeria: okin, yogurt (fan yogo), gala, indomie, choco milo.
Things I took for granted before I left yankee: everything else.
Someone was telling me a story and said, "I highlighted from the bus". Only Nigerians. I love my people.
Children are so easy to please. I allowed my siblings play with my camera and they were enthralled. I watched carefully sha. If they had dropped it, na cry be that. For me and them.
I saw people eating fries with forks and knives. They looked at me weird when I ate my suya without a toothpick. *kanye shrug*
Overweight woman says to a bunch of other overweight women: we must put our full weight behind the impeachment proceedings. Yes, I was watching Nigerian hbo and I thought, the actress did not realize the irony behind her statement. That would have been a lot of weight.
I saw super yogo and had to stop to buy. I parked in one lane of the already narrow 2 lane road and caused "go slow". Only in naija.
At this point, I think it is safe to say I have perfected my i-will-die-if-you-do-not-put-
on-the-generator look. As in, I sat in the bathtub sweating all because I went outside to get my siblings ice cream. They need to invent an air conditioned umbrella. Don't get me wrong, its hot in America too but I have no reason to go out when its hot.
I scratched the numbers off my #1000 recharge card. :( It was painful.
A wicked looking nigerian woman on my left and mean indian on the right wouldn't let me rest my arms on the arm rest during the return to America flight. Nonsense.
If you can afford first class for you and your kids, that is nice but please, fly economy until you have saved enough to fly on private jets. It is only fair. If looks could kill, your kids sitting in first class could die...
I held my pee for 8 hrs. Just saying. My bladder muscles are tip top.
Why are these airlines so stingy with water anyway? I almost had to beg the hostess for extra glasses of water.
Oh and I attended my cousin's beautiful traditional and white weddings!
The End.
XOXO Leeza.
